Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
Being in nursing school really pays off when your dealer tries to pass off naproxen as Percocet. Like I may have made a C in pharm but I aced the pain drug test
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
