i'm pretty confident that i watched a woman making love to a german shepherd.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I lost count after the 4th body shot but I think I'm wearing at least 3 different peoples clothes.
When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Our group of friends now have more broken bones than reasonable excuses for why they're broken.
I don't know if I should feel proud or ashamed of myself...ashamed for making myself a drink at 6:15am or proud for actually being awake that early.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Randomize
