If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Randomize
