Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche
We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
to improve your porn experience, just imagine a slow speaking older English man narrating it all like a Nature documentary
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
I have bruises from doing the splits on the poles, if that doesn't scream bourbon street regret then I don't know what does
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
