Just so you know, I have a bf.
I guess as long as you bring single girls over and cook cannolis you will still be useful.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
I found the guy I hooked up with last night on Wikipedia, at least now I know how old he is.
When you didn't respond I figured you must be busy so I'm home in my pj's 2 beers in and stoned from weed I got from my gaybours. They also gave me cake. I'm not moving from this recliner.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
Randomize
