it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
