i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I'm still questioning who dropped me off last night. So successful wedding?
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
Randomize
