There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
I don't want my liquor store dad to judge me...
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
just woke up with a trucker hat, half a grilled cheese, and popcorn spread everywhere. last night must have been good.
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