he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
he just called me skinny, hes either trying to get laid, or i'm going to have to marry this man
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Everyone heard you having sex but I just told them you were having a nightmare.
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Walking around as slutty Ron Swanson is amazing
He can't just hit it and quit it and then eat your pop tarts on his way out.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
