nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Oooo. Can we pretend to be Amanda Bynes?
She bought wigs like Disney princesses. I want to be her.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
he puked all over my guest bed and the said he felt good enough to clean it up. he poured bleach all over the bed and passed out in it. he had the chemiacal burn for a month...
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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