her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Im surprised putting the throwing knife "dartboard" next to the door didnt end up worse
If you feel like laying around and watching a movie, that's where I'll be for the next several hours not moving, blaming others, and generally feeling sorry for myself.
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
