I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.
That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
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