Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
MANGO MOTHERFUCKING GODDAMN MARGARITA DELICIOUSNESS
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Babe if there was a way to give a back rub and head at the same time that's what I would ask for my birthday, Christmas and of course right now. Please think about how and get back to me.
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Being high is definitely not the perfect addition to this family dinner. No. My grandma trips me the fuck out.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
Randomize
