On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
I've seen people win free drinks for a lot less dude, no need to drop trou on a piano.
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
Randomize
