I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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