Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
Turns out Edward 40 hands and life-sized jenga is really hard...Didn't stop you from trying. How is your concussion?
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
My apartment is so clean right now, I should invite someone over for sex just so someone can see how clean it is.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
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