Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
Randomize
