You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
She can't take shots?!? Literally if I could list that as a skill on a resume I would
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
