She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
my drug dealer is also my eyebrow lady. Two birds, one stone.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
