And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
You'll pass into the great gay beyond
Where it rains cosmopolitans and scantily clad gogo dancers of all genders direct traffic
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
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