good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
I AM NOT THE MAN IN THIS RELATIONSHIP.
It's shit like this that makes people think we're gay.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Life lesson 8263 if drinking a beer in the shower be careful when shampooing... Tresemme flavored rolling rock sucks
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
Can finally say I won't be lonely this Valentine's day! Mother nature decided to drop by.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
Randomize
