Megan Fox is the only woman I would let pee on me.
I'm similar. She's the only woman I'd ask to pee on me.
Ok yeah you're right. I'd ASK Megan Fox to pee on me. I'd ALLOW Erin Andrews to pee on me if she asked.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
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