i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!
I hope I take a shit on your face in your dreams tonight.
I love flavors. My neighbour is owide smoking and so am I. I'm adio boooooored and I need an adult.
So were u tired or drunk when u wrote last night's text message?
pills.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Drunk is not a location!
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
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