I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
Also we saw a clown getting arrested. Rochester is weird.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
I just almost said to a customer "P as in Pussy"
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
