if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
the evidence from last night is not good...
what evidence?
my underwear is on inside out, and there are french fries in my hair...
She asked if I wanted to "Mormon Motorboat" her, which I guess is just motor-boating her through her cloths. Turns out I did.
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
He must have found my secret supply of blow and took a bump before we left the house. Rude.
He could of at least asked
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
Um went out in San Francisco last night and ignored someone hitting on me. So they bit my arm. Lmfao PLEASE TELL ME THIS ISNT THE SINGLE LIFE
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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