He should be on Bizare Foods after who he ate last night
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
