hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Randomize
