My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Congratulations, you have helped solved the mysterious disapperance of Dani's phone which was found in the munchies cabinet next to the oreos. Your reward is star power as well as a fat ass bowl of Nebula. You may proceed through the wardrobe and into Narnia for your prize.
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I don't think I used nearly enough fucks in my reply to convey the level of fuck him.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
