dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
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