Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
please tell me you remember why "7 days" is written above my bed in red marker
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
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