....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
Should we start at nine like normal people or now like alcoholics?
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Mike's not allowed to drink vodka anymore. He couldn't get his temporary tattoos (stickers) to stick so he super glued them on.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
Randomize
