did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
Actually I think I might be dying right now so if I do you have to drink all my vodka
You're so demanding.
We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
The look of disappointment from my cat while I take nudes...
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Randomize
