I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Vodka for breakfast. With a side of Frankenberries. Don't judge me.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
Randomize
