Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
Randomize
