My friends, they love my intelligence
If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
WE'RE MOVING TO IRELAND!!!! DON'T ASK QUESTIONS JUST BOOK THE DAMN FLIGHT!!!!
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
you had me at "meet me in the bathroom"
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
