i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
so i was thinking... those 6 am shots weren't really needed.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
