listening to techno makes your hand move faster while masterbating
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
well at least now you can say you got an STD from the frontman of a band no one's heard of
fuck you.
I've been here 11 months and i just realized i have literally never looked at my apartment/roomates sober
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
Randomize
