I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm sorry I keep having sex wth your friends. I'm done, for real. Unless cole is interested. Other than that, I'm done.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Randomize
