Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
Randomize
