Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
thats the mark of a good guy. when you can period all over his leg and he still thinks you're beautiful!
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
It's confirmed. I have two dates on Saturday, and they are both named Mike.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
But we have bathrooms and they dont
Randomize
