Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?
Hung over and there is no way in the world I can make this mess look good today. Only solution is to stay drunk.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
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