Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
