Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
You called me at 3 am and I rode my flat ass bike that I dug out of my garage in the dark to meet you at dunkin donuts for a 10 minute convo about your mother and you didn't drive me home.
you owe me a blunt and a bottle of moscato.
IM WAITING BITCH. ANSWER ME.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
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