I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake
just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
Its like a 4.5 hour drive but there's drinking involved so I'm destined to go
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
