I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Why thank you for your unwanted opinion, person I've never met before.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Two words: nipple clamps
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