If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
It got quiet and we all stood around and opened the box and I've never seen so many burritos in my life man. it was fucking biblical.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
Let’s try it, I’ve never had a bad time with sex, tacos and beer.
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Randomize
