I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
I texted him to clear the air a bit, apologized if I freaked him out. No reply. So I'm gonna go ahead and fuck someone in a barn tonight.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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