the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
