I use a guy for sex and get three minutes out of him. go figure
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Apparently mr clean magic erasers don't clean blood off the ceiling
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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