I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
It's like God shit irony all over that family
See it, we're so close, i smell your vagisil
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
Okay. How did someone manage to piss on TOP of a urinal? What giant is roaming around with a prick five feet from the ground?
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
it was weird i started the party in just my underwear and woke up in my clothes
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
