I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
I hope you get used to having plenty of sperm because you're never gonna get any.
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
we bonded over knowing every word to freaky gurl by gucci mane so it’s kinda starting to make sense why I gave him head in his cul de sac
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