You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
She even gives head with a lisp.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
