If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
you left him a drunk voicemail of you singing speechless by lady gaga balling your eyes out
I bought a fake diamond ring to wear, not only to bars to keep the creeps away, but so that I'll be judged less by the front desk girl at Planned Parenthood
Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out
Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Ok so last thing I remember was hugging a cop while vomiting
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
Randomize
